THE DAY I TRULY FELT BROKEN FROM INSIDE

I thought I was set, thought I had found out my essential fundamentals of life. How happy I was, how content I felt. All felt peaceful; it felt like I had charted out my life and its happenings. It was not that, I had all what I cherished, truly speaking there were a lot of things I wanted to accomplish. But, I felt all was now in front of me, there was nothing that can make me wobble, and I won’t fall for petty things.

But alas!

That incident had shaken me to the roots. I felt like falling in a deep abyss. It felt that my life was destined for ruins. All of my tall claims, which I made to myself and others; to whom I often preached, ‘how great I was?’ and ‘how they must lead their lives?’ All that lay bare. I felt broken, felt like a man devoid of a backbone.

That day dragging myself to my flat felt difficult. See the sarcasm of the situation, every part of my body wanted to rush to my bed and hide myself under the sheet, but my body defied my command. Somehow, I stood rooted to the spot, only to be woken by the honking cars. Feeling like a man suddenly woken from a nightmare, only it was no dream. I saw myself standing on the side of a road outside my office. Composing myself I checked the time on my wrist watch, it was 6:03 pm. A smirk originated on my lips, my office closes at six and only three minutes have elapsed. I had exited my office and had sleepwalked to the road. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned around to see the smiling face of Reema, my girlfriend.

“Hey! Where were you? I kept looking all over the office?” Reema said

I kept quite least bit interested in furthering the talk, because a talk with a woman was the last thing on my mind, even if that girl is the girl I love very much.

“You okay?”   She enquired a second time.

I again remained silent.

Reema placed her hand on my forehead, and caressed my cheeks.

Her action increased my agitation; she doesn’t leave one opportunity to bring out the mother in her, I thought.

I noticed the flicker of her eyes, which changed her demeanor, from the ‘caring mother’ of few moments ago to a ‘carefree girl,’ which she knew, was the person I had fallen for. I wanted to smile and congratulate her on thinking, but thought, baby not today, not now. I only wished she would let me go easily. I could see the uncertainly in her eyes, as none of her antics were bearing fruit.

I turned to face the road, and availed a taxi. The few which passed were occupied.

“You are taking a taxi?” Reema asked

“What does it seem to you?” I said in an agitated tone.

Now it was her time to be quite, I was happy that she did not further the point. And, saw another taxi and called it, that one was also occupied.

The next moment I noticed that Reema was standing shoulder to shoulder to me, and “taxi” she called out.

The approaching taxi was not occupied, and the driver stopped the vehicle in front of us.

“Main market circle” she said, and sat in the taxi.

I walked away from the stationary taxi, and kept looking for the next unoccupied taxi.

Noticing my actions, Reema got out of the taxi and walked towards me.

From behind her, I could see the taxi driver muttering something, and after sometime when he saw none of us calling, he went on his way.

Reema got in front of me, faced me, “What’s wrong with you?” she demanded. This forthrightness was one of the things which I liked about her when we had met first seven years ago. But, that was another day, and this is another day.

I thanked her in my heart, as her actions and speech gave me an opportunity to give words to my anger. And, I started to rant, about her not knowing when to stop, not giving me space, poking her nose in any and every opportunity, and talked about all the things, I knew she had inferiority complex about like, her skin, her hair, her body. I took the opportunity of my rant and riding on the avalanche of my emotions said all those things that, I knew would hurt her. The hard breaking of cars and the cacophony of sudden brown horns, made me stop. And, I looked at her parted mouth and shocked face; taking that opportunity I noticed an unoccupied taxi, called it, boarded it and left her standing there on the side of the road.

“She deserved it,” I murmured

“Sir, you said something?” The taxi driver enquired.

“Main market circle,” I said, the driver put the taxi into gear.

Why didn’t she understand when to call it quits? And why she has to unravel each and every layer one by one? I looked outside the window. Serve her right. And, decided to enjoy the ride, as taking taxi to home was not my regular mode of commuting. Normally I would take a bus home. I had not decided to take the taxi; the idea just came at the spur of the moment, and without thinking I acted on it.

It occurred to me that for the last ten minutes; I checked my watch, while I was travelling in the taxi, my mind registered nothing. I reached that conclusion, because after telling the taxi driver about my destination, I had turned my face towards the window, and constantly looked outside. But when I tried to recollect what I saw, my mind drew a blank. As I shifted in my position, my cursory glance fell on the rear view mirror of the taxi, and I noticed the driver stealing a glance at me. There was a questioning look in the driver’s eyes; so I shifted again in my position to get a better look of my face in the rear view mirror. The first thing that reflected back from the mirror was my horrifying eye. I quickly shut my eyes in fear, and took out my mobile phone from my trouser’s front pocket. Quickly opening the front camera of my mobile phone, I saw a whitish sweat soaked face with disheveled hair and fearful eyes. Any onlooker would presume that I had braved a storm. I wiped my face with my right hand in a bid to mop away the sweat; a few drops fell on the mobile screen as I wiped the sweat. Not being satisfied with the result, I took out my handkerchief from my trouser’s left pocket, and wiped my face dry. Looking in that camera, I styled my hair with my hand to get a decent look. Finally, approving of my look in the mobile camera I placed the phone back in my pocket.    

The next thing I did, was to place a hand on my heart, and observed my fast beating heart. As a reaction I inhaled and exhaled deeply a few times. And, then I looked closely at my hands, and could notice that they there were shaking ever so slightly; this may not be visible to any other person, but were noticed to my eyes. Taking another deep breath, I took my mind back to the incident in the office, which was the root of all this. But, this time, with a calmer mind, I went back in as the invisible third person overlooking the two person conversation in the closed cabin.

It had been some time since I last pleaded my case. After my initial defense, my boss had gone into a fifteen minute nonstop rant. He missed no point, withheld no information, and left no abuse out of his rant. Well it is easy for him, I pondered, as he was the person how interviewed me first three years back when I entered the office. From being my first boss, he had always been my immediate boss. It was not that, I had any problems with him or his style of working. But, as I stood in front of him, and being treated as guilty, I think maybe a person should not work with the person for such a long time. The reason being my boss knew most of my professional stuff and some of my personal beliefs also. Truth be told, it was my boss, who stood by me, in the initial part of my career in this office, and helped in hiding my affair with Reema. At that time our office had a strict law against colleague affair. The policy was, either you break the affair or one of the two leaves the office.

“How could you be so naïve?” My boss’s comment felt more like a judge’s verdict.  

“You knew how much our company needed that client; a lot was riding on that.” He added.

I wanted to speak but kept quite.

“You are one of our best employees, that’s was why boss gave you that prospective client, but  ...” boss stopped short.

I wanted to defend myself, it is not my fault, all was under control, the client was happy till the very last, but somehow at the time of decision he settled for another company, but defended myself only in thoughts.

It wasn’t that I hadn’t been talked down before; I agree those incidents were very less and infrequent, but the way my boss attached me, It felt like an injury to my self-respect. I was always the number one employee of the company, the blue eyed boy, the go to person, whom not only my colleagues, but also my bosses depended upon, and I reveled in that atmosphere. I loved that situation, where everyone held on till the last of my words. Even in my personal life, people close to me respected and considered my suggestions before taking any action. But all that seemed some distant reality. One mistake; I wouldn’t even call that a mistake, all their high thoughts about me seemed to be shaken. The way my colleagues looked at me; some even came forward with words of condolences, even the look of respect and fear that I observed in my juniors was gone. The way my boss spoke to me, forced me to think of myself as a culprit.     

My boss looked at me in such a way, as if to say that he had read my thoughts, “you want to add something?” boss asked.

I shook my head in denial.

“Mr. Joshi was angry as hell; he wanted to speak to you directly. I somehow stopped him, and took his permission, because I wanted to speak first with you, as I wanted to give you an idea of the magnitude of your mistake.” My boss added.

“It wasn’t a mistake” the avalanche of emotions made me blur out. The very next moment I regretted and condemned my slip of tongue, as I knew what was to come.  

My boss looked at me, and there started my punishment, the silent treatment. I was not prepared for the impasse that ensued. It was not my first time, I had been at the receiving end of two of his silent treatments in the past, and had also heard from other colleagues, as his silent treatment was legendary in the office gossips. But what followed was the lengthiest blank stare I had ever got. I don’t know how long I stood still in that pose, but I knew if he would not have broken the spell, “Now you are ready for the boss” were his words. I surely would have fallen, because my constant wiggling of my little toes was losing its effect.

As my boss got up from his chair, I took the opportunity, and shifted my weight, first from right leg and them to the left leg, so as to bring back sensation in my legs. Boss stopped three feet before me, looked in the eye, “We shouldn’t make Mr. Joshi wait any longer,” he said, and winked at me with a smile.

As I was walking behind my boss from his cabin to Mr. Joshi’s cabin, I prepared myself for the barrage of accusations, and slurs that were to follow. I truly felt the extent of my boss’s care for me, as all this while he was preparing me for what to accept and how to respond in front of Mr. Joshi. I misinterpreted his way of imparting knowledge the first time around, but clearly understood it when I replayed the whole sequence in my mind.  And this was what I did once inside Mr. Joshi’s cabin amidst a lot of shouting and table banging by Mr. Joshi.  

Thank you boss, I thought, as I heard a slight knock on the taxi window, a small girl of six or seven was selling red rose. The roses reminded me of Reema. I lowered the window, as the taxi was stationary at a red light signal. “Rose ... Red roses” the girl said.

I took out my wallet, and produced a fifty rupee note, and gave it to her. She started to wrap a few roses in a newspaper, and gave them to me. I told her that I don’t need roses, and wanted her to keep the money. She kept insisting that I take the roses or she will return the money. I insisted but failed in front of her persistence. Finally, I took one rose, and she took the money. The taxi began to move, I waved her and thanked her in my thoughts as being the light to show me the way.      

The happy me saw my reflection again in the rear view mirror, and I was not the least bit surprised when a happy and beaming face reflected back. May be the driver had also noticed, and he looked in the rear view mirror. Our eyes met, I showed him my sparkling teeth, and he reciprocated with a smile.

The only think remaining was making up to Reema, how rudely, and inappropriately I behaved with her, I thought. All she tried to do was to help me. But, the angry me, took all of her actions, words and emotions behind them the wrong way. The reason was simple, as my thoughts were rooted in the wrong; so naturally, the subsequent actions and reaction were also in the wrong.

A question originated in my mind, was the injury that I felt was to my self-respect or ego? With a calmer heart sitting in the back of the taxi, the answer that jumped out was ego. I could clearly see that it was not my self-respect, but my ego that felt the full brunt of my boss’s words. And that was also the reason why I behaved in that way with Reema.

With the intention of making up to her, I took out my mobile phone, only to be faced with fifty miscalls and twenty messages from Reema. As I went through each and every message, my respect for her deepened, because all I could read was her love for me projected all over those messages written in different ways. Some messages were filled with anger, some contempt, still other showed her caring side and remaining showcased her understanding nature. Once again I observed that a few drops-lets had fallen on the mobile screen, I was weeping, but those were the tears of job, as I felt blessed for being with such a great human being.

Reema picked up the phone on the first ring. This was not the way I had hoped for the things to proceed. I had thought that she would not receive my call that easily. I would have to call her a number of times before she gave me the permission of talking with her, after the way I had behaved. There was another reason for my thinking that way, it would have given me more time not only to think what to say, but also how to say it better. But her action of picking my phone at the first attempt had me at a loss of words. A silence of a few seconds ensued; that I felt should be broken by me, as it was I who was in the wrong. “I am very very sorry.” I said. Still the silence persisted from her side, and a very slowly I started to hear small low voiced sobs. In a few moments those infrequent sobs became a stream of continuous weeping. I reminded myself to be quite and dare not intervene in her personal meditation. I looked in the rear view mirror; the taxi driver was giving me an all knowing smile. I altered my view, started to look outside the taxi window, and observed that my bus stop was fast approaching. The next moment I quickly realized that I was in a taxi, and could take the vehicle to my door step. Reema had mellowed, but her sobs were still heard. I patted driver’s shoulder and directed him through the small lanes and u-turns that led to my flat. Upon reaching my destination, I exited the taxi, paid the driver, entered the lift and pushed the fifth floor button. Reema had stopped sobbing, and it was complete silence. On reaching my floor, I exited the lift, inserted my flat keys, clicked open the lock, entered my flat and bolted my flat room from the inside.

“You reached home?” Reema said.

I smiled to myself, at her understanding and maturity of letting me reach home first before she talked. Does she have a drone fitted some? I thought in a somewhat lighter mood.

“Yes” I said in a feeble tone, not sure how she should respond.

“You ok now?”

Her second question in succession piqued my interest, as I wanted to ask, should not it be I who questions her well being? But I stopped myself from asking the question.

“Yes” I replied.

“You know what your problem is?” Reema said.

I remained quite.

“You are too deep into yourself”

Her statement made me want to hear more.

“There is a whole world out there, with their ideas, their notions, and their judgments about right and wrong.”

I sat on my study chair, and concentrated on her words, as I thought that she may be on to something tangible.

“It can never be always be about you and only you”

I listened intently.  

“You cannot impress each and every one, and that too all the times, so stop trying at every opportunity.”

I shook my head in affirmation, I know, I thought.

Reema kept quiet for a few moments, “and stop being a jerk,” she added at last.

I completely understood what she meant, and was looking for a single word, which captures the full meaning of her talk.

“Baby once in our life, try to be impressed by other” Reema said, and I accepted her point.

From there on, we talked about all the good things in our life, our relationship, our career and talked about our future together. Before hanging up the phone, I asked her out for a dinner date to any place she wished.

“You can’t buy my sorry” she replied. 

“It is not like that, I just want to make it up to you” I replied

“Ok, dinner it will be, but not outside but at my place” she said, as I relaxed in my study chair.

“Do one thing; come to my flat as the through gentleman that you can be, and not the jerk you portrayed yourself to be.”

I promised her of ‘being the gentleman she wanted.’ After hanging up the phone, I prepared tea, and sipped it with relish sitting by the balcony overlooking the setting sun.

My mobile phone beeped; it was a message. I picked up the phone to check the message, quarter past seven, stared at me, I am getting late for dinner, I thought and decided against checking the message.

I splashed water on my face, wiped off the shaving cream and admired my near perfect shave. I whistled at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, as I dabbed after shave on my face. While I dressed in a clean pair of jeans and white shirt, a thought propelled in my mind, am I setting myself for another failure? Simultaneously another question germinated, is just being impressed by others all there is?

I pondered on the thoughts; a smile adored my face, as I knew I was setting myself to fail again in future. Because common sense made me believe that, there ought to be something more than that.

But I side stepped the query with the thought, that meditation will be for some other day. Whistling I locked my flat and entered the lift. Now I just want to enjoy the evening and make Reema happy after all the wrong that I have done, I thought.

Only one thing was remaining, I took out my mobile and texted, thank you boss for being there for me. See you tomorrow with renewed positivity and enthusiasm.

I exited the lift with renewed vigor.