BUD TO BLOOM OF ITS OWN
Son, I want to make it clear in the very
beginning that when your eyes fall on the following words; which portrays my
soul in its truest nature without the weak and inept veil of morality, and the
powerful will of mine that leaps through these pages will surely cause
compassion to rise in your heart towards me – don’t, I am not after your empathy.
My sole reason of writing this is that, going through this someday may give you
a different perspective towards life.
Sitting under a tree for no apparent reason,
playing alone or with friends and doing whatever my heart cherished without any
worry about consequences or time, how content I was. Society doesn’t have any
right to take those happy moments away from me, but it did. If society had
stopped there, I could have somehow made my heart understand. But no, isn’t
society expert at destroying things in totality and that to with the
carefreeness of an absent minded man, who in his forgetfulness walks over a
newly born plant crushing it to death. I can still make my heart see the
absence of concentration on the part of the man, and someway pardon him for
killing a new life. But the soil on
which society grows its slave is not conducive for carefree and innocent human
beings, as every act of society is backed by carefully planted codes that need
to be abided, if not them all hell will break lose.
Society forced things on me, like, go to
school whether it made sense to me or not, and when I mustered enough courage
to ask my teachers, why school is important? Or why to study that specifically subject?
I was either told, do as you are told very sternly or this is how it is supposed
to be done in a matter of fact tone. These conditions were not limited to
school, society had charted a separate set of rules to be followed at home also,
I was told to respect and love my relatives, irrespective of whether I liked
them or not, truth be told I despised some of them. It is not that I didn’t
resist, I certainly did with all my might, whatever a small child could muster.
When force failed in getting the desired result, my whys? Were placated by the
constant use of statements in effect to, aren’t you a nice boy, like being nice
somehow equates to asking dumb or better no questions at all.
Habit is a strange phenomenon, if one keeps
doing a thing continuously whether he understands it or not, loves in it or
not, with the passage of time that habit will become second nature. This habit
is a two ways process, in the same way as one can inculcate a new habit into
their life, similarly any habit can be forced upon you by someone else also,
society in this case. I don’t remember exactly when it first happened, but the
constant do’s and don’ts that were being feed started to take its effect, and I
turned into docile clay that was perfect for society to mould into the model
human who would be in due time ready to take his rightful position at the back
of the line at the gate of the tyrant enterprise called society, which was
miles away for the open and curious child that I was; whose desired freedom.
Numbness envelopes you completely once your
individuality is removed, that realization came much later. At that time, I
became one with the crowd, whose only goal was to come first be it studies,
sports, or any extracurricular activity, which brought a change in my family
and relatives perception towards me. The adulation and star status that was
bestowed swelled my heart with pride, and these doses of importance worked as
an enticer that had me under their spell from school, through college; which
were spent always chasing the top most tear, and hitting the mark most of the
time, till much later when I was amidst my first job, as an engineer, in a
multi-national company, with a steady girlfriend whom I was going to marry once
I reached little more financial stability. Looking from the outside gave the
impression that my life was set and destined for greater things, but then life
started to unravel itself.
A truth about problem, it always comes in
plural. I distinctly remember the day; actually evening to be precise, while I
enjoyed my cigarette perched on the window of my rented flat looking down at
the moving traffic oblivious to the fact that from the very next moment my
carefully planned life was going to be shaken violently from its very core. It’s
over, were the words said by my then girlfriend that triggered a domino effect
where I lost everything from my five years old relationship to being fired from
the job. The unbalance that had seeped into my life started to show its effects
where little by little I receded into my shell to avoid being hurt by the cruel
world; with the paranoia reaching its highest I barricaded myself in my room,
my safe haven.
It’s much easier to fall into an abyss than
to come out, particularly when the deep void is not a physical structure from which
I could come out by the application of my brain, but an invisible fabrication
of the mind. Help was readily available, be it, friends, family, and even
former colleagues, but I had woven such a complex net of paradoxes that barred
me from truly accepting and properly working on their suggestions.
There is always a limit to how much one can
self loathe so once I reached nadir the only way left for me was up.
It is said once intention is made the path
reveals itself, so the first thing I did was to re-connect with my friends and
former colleagues; it took some effort on my part to cajole then, as I had
burned many bridges. But once they were on my side each provided help to the
best of their knowhow as they were aware of my immediate need to find a new job
as well as the turmoil I went through after the breakup, so I was invited to
every party or get-togethers where I was introduced to new people who my
friends thought would be helpful for me to nail doing the next job, some even
tried hooking me to girls, others suggested hobbies and other recreational
activities which they thought would recharge me. And I on my part participated
fully; because of being guilty for not heading to their advises the first time,
in the hobbies and activities they recommended, and also went on dates with two
girls, sadly all this action taken by me not only failed in bringing the
positive change that I was after, but left me in a more confused state than I
was at the start of this whole process. At this juncture, I was saved by one of
my childhood school friend; I had lost contact with him over the years, he
contacted me through social media and introduced me to the wonderful world of
books. It is not I had not read books in the past, but somehow had left more
unfinished than completed, as I found them bore and tiresome to read. The impregnable vicious circle of self pity
that I had surrounded myself with started to show pores when I not only started
but also completed a self help book which my school friend recommended. The
change of mindset brought by that book spurred in me the desire to read more
books, so I made a commitment and stuck at it, to read books in accordance with
my mood. Another positive happened, I got a new job. Life was finally looking
up again.
Thereafter, all the goodies that life had
to offer somehow gravitated towards me, I felt blessed, and the two year
horrendous period where nothing seemed to go right felt like the part of
someone else’s life. The new me went from strength to strength be it the personal
or the professional space, as I came to realize the truth that, life is
abundance, and whatever I lacked was due to the fact that I had not asked for
it with complete sincerity. There were times when I contemplated about my past,
and thought how much idle time I had wasted groping in the dark, but the very
next moment I placed myself by saying, I was ignorant them. With every new
information, and the result it produced by my correct application made me sure
of myself, all was fine up till that stage, but I failed to realize when that
positive confidence that had blossomed from me being sure of myself under all
conditions converted into arrogance.
In the initial stages the new found streak
of arrogance came out firstly in my professional dealings, because I desired to
have a control over the people I work with. Gradually, this haughty attitude of
mine enveloped whole of my being wherein I stated to dictate how people behaved
in my personal life, my family wasn’t spared either. Whenever someone dared to
point out my aggressive behavior, I tackled their points with the knowhow I
had gained from the books; the more I rebuked such attempts that pointed at my behavioral
flaw, the more arrogant I became, and more knowledge I cherished, because to me
the new found knowledge of the books was my key to a happy life.
Then something happened, which nothing in
life had prepared me for, I witnessed death from close quarters. One of my
colleagues father was battling cancer, final stage, it was not that I was close
to him or anything. It so happened that I and the said colleague were working
together at a project which was very important for the office, as this client
brought the most revenue. The pressure of handling the project was enough on
its own, on top of that my said colleague’s extreme mood swings was getting
unbearable; he had already lost his mother in a road accident few years back. My
best friend, books, were also proving unsuccessful, as they failed to get me
on top of that situation as they had done so many times in the past. I realized
that the reason was that for the first time, I had to help another through my
knowledge, previously I used to spot a problem which I faced and used books
to rectify that problem completely, there was never another person, it was only
me. I went to my seniors pleading my case for appointing a new partner, as I
was finding it difficult to concentrate on the job at hand. Understanding my plight
my seniors appointed another person with me till my original partner got ready
to re-assume his duties, but they left a catch for me, as my said colleagues had
handled the client from the first day and knew most of the stuff, and me being
the second most experienced person handling that client, so that asked me to
become a bridge between the said colleague, office and the client. I unwillingly
had to do their bidding, as I failed to sway them from their decision. I was
not ready to give up this job, as I knew how hard I had tried to acquire this
one.
I do not know how I would have managed
without modern technology that came to my rescue, as I used email, mobile,
spike and other gadgets in getting most of my work done without having to meet
my colleague in person. But there were times when meeting in person could not
be avoided, at those times; which were difficult for me, I used to meet him
outside the hospital where his father was admitted. My problem intensified in
the last three months; before my colleague’s father’s death, the doctors
recommended to take the patient home as they had done all they could, and
wished that the patient spend last few months in the comfort of home among
family and friends, as I had to reach out to him at his residence. The cover of
death that had enveloped my colleague’s residence gave me the creeps the first
time I visited him after his father’s discharge from the hospital. Whenever I
tried communicating with his family members I felt that I was interacting with
zombies. The nausea was so intense that I threw up the moment I exited their
place. At that moment my only wish was never to come back to that dead place,
which sadly never materialized as I had to comeback three more time before the
old man died for good. Yes, I was secretly hoping for the old man’s death,
because the burden of handling the project singlehandedly was severe. Somehow,
the project completed and we were successful, and I was not only praised for my
work but also got a promoted for my handling of the delicate situation.
Something changed in me, I had the
information that my colleague’s father’s heath was deterring every day, and any
day would be his last, but now somehow I did not want him to die. Repeated self
contemplation failed me in finding the source of this change of heart, and I
wept like a baby on the old man’s funeral, so much so that my colleague
remarked, I didn’t knew you cared so much for my father. Life carried on, I
fell in love for the second, and in due course married the girl, your mom. But
somehow, that experience of, first my colleague’s father’s sickness and then
his death never left me. To this day, I have never expressed my true feelings
about my colleague’s father to anyone.
Then you were born, that day in the
hospital corridor a panicky me waited for any news while your mother struggled
for your coming in this world, a question popped in my head, what will be my
contribution in your life? The answer flowed through my brain, will provide
emotional, physical, psychological and financial support. I felt proud for the
quickness of my response, and a contented smile enveloped my face as I felt
certain that I knew what was expected of a good father. The very next moment I
jolted myself out of my day dreaming, as a scene from my childhood, of me lying
idly under the shade of a tree, flashed across my conscience, what am I
thinking, I thought. Wasn’t freedom the one think I cherished before my family
under the pressure of society corrupted me, and if I also continued the same
process with my son, then how am I any different? I will break the loop, and
let you become your own man.
Through the life which I have lived till now, I
cannot answer the question whether I would have been a better person had my
family in particularly and society in general left me on my own to learn the
ropes of life? But whatever I have understood through my life is that there is
no one solution that fits all, and the
only way, is to live life with an open heart to face its challenges and to show
empathy to every living being, humans or otherwise.
While writing these lines sitting at my
bedroom chair, I watch you sleeping peacefully; son welcome to your home, as
today 5th November, 2015, is your first day at home after getting discharge from the hospital. I sincerely promise you that I will only be your protector,
like, a gardener whose only job is to help facilitate the growth of a plant,
nothing more nothing less.
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